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Miscellany - Getting Past High School. My Struggle to Accept That I'm Gay Was Painful. For Some, It's Fatal.
January 14, 2009
by Jay Randel
I recently broke down and joined Facebook.
I sat in protest for too long and finally decided to just take the plunge into social networking. As I made “friends” with people who didn’t give me the time of day in high school, I realized something: We are all the same. We are doing whatever it is that our choices have enabled us to do. And that skewed hierarchical structure that I thought was there? It isn’t, really. We are all just trying to make it.
I look back at my days in high school with regret. I was awkward and shy, struggling to come to terms with the fact that I was gay and trying to figure out how to get rid of it. I remember trying to make deals and swearing to myself that I would suppress it. I could fake it, right?
The fact that I was unpopular wasn’t necessarily the issue, although a change there would have been nice. Rather, it was the amplification of my struggle — I felt even more like an alien. I had no one to identify with, and if I did identify with someone, I couldn’t show it because then I would be associated with that person.
The jocks and popular kids would constantly mock being gay and acting flamboyant, and I really resented this. I bought into the idea that they were better than I was. Of course, hormones would often control my thoughts, and I enjoyed the good looks of the jocks, if nothing else.
One boy in particular always had the same schedule as mine, and he was my eye candy throughout high school. We’ll call him “HSCrush.” HSCrush loved to mock being gay and constantly made jokes about it, making me wonder about his true self. But I always kept my distance.
I was somewhat mediocre as a student and accepted my modest transition to a good small college. But I did not get the glory that many classmates I resented did, including HSCrush, as their talents and academic prowess paved the way for a future beyond my realm of understanding. I graduated and put away those thoughts and memories as best I could and moved on in my life without those strings of sadness trying to bring me down.
I have learned, though, that many people take their own similar situations to a different level.
According to a 2000 study conducted by S.D. Cochran and V.M. Mays, 41.2 percent of gay males ages 17-39 had suicidal ideation, as opposed to 17.2 percent of heterosexual males of similar ages. The 2006 Massachusetts Youth Risk Behavior Survey said that youth in that state who self-identified as gay, lesbian or bisexual were more than three times as likely to have considered suicide. Why? Here are a few possibilities:
1. Increased awareness of homosexuality.
2. Disclosure of sexual identity to family and friends.
3. Victimization from peers and verbal abuse, etc.
When I was in high school, it seemed like my whole world and future were right there in those moments, and apparently, many others feel the same way.
I look at these stats and am thankful I didn’t get to that point. I am not going to lie and say I didn’t think of suicide, but I had the whole fear of death and religious guilt on my side. I guess I was fortunate.
We have to figure out how to stop these suicides as well as the depression that causes horrific things to happen to our youth. Life offers so much more beyond high school and name-calling and which sex we are attracted to.
What is the answer? I don’t know. But a 2008 paper from the Suicide Risk and Prevention Center (www.sprc.org) has many suggestions, including these: LGB teens need services and providers that consider their needs, peer-based support groups, support for parents and guardians, and easily available information on LGBT issues and suicidal behavior.
As for my HSCrush who caused me conflict with his hot little body and verbal mocking … he literally emptied the trash from my office building the other day. See? All that nonsense in high school didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered now was that my trash cans were emptied.
Call for Help
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, you can find help here:
Trevor Project 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386)
(24-hour helpline for gay and questioning youth)
Knowledge Exchange Network 1-877-495-0009
(7:30 a.m. to 4 p.m., provides referrals to nearby mental health centers)
National Hopeline Network 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
(24-hour hotline)
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